TECHNOLOGY

17 Way-Too-Bold Tech Predictions for 2018

Alexa breaks up a marriage, Facebook starts sending invites into space and much more. Here are 17 preposterous predictions for the year ahead.

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BY Dana Severson - 06 Jan 2018

17 Way-Too-Bold Tech Predictions for 2018

PHOTO CREDIT: Getty Images

It's the beginning of 2018 and that can only mean one thing -- time to assess last year's absurd tech-ish predictions and present you with some more brilliant insights for the year ahead.

Sure, I may be 0 for 34 over the past two years, but honestly, I'm immune to failure at this point.

Unfortunately, Pokemon Go still hangs on by a thread, Twitter never hired an editor to spell check the President, and Yahoo.com isn't a 301 redirect to Google (at least, not yet).

Despite my failed attempts to predict 2017 (and 2016 for that matter), my confidence has never been higher.

If I were a betting man, which I am, I'd say that 2018 is my year.

With that said, it's my great pleasure to introduce you to the 17 absurd tech-ish predictions for 2018:

  1. Bitcoin breaks $25,000 just as Walmart opens the first in-store crypto currency kiosk. In an ironic turn of events, all of the smiley-face Walmart balloons attached to the kiosk pop on the first day.
  2. UPS receives their first shipment of Tesla semi-trucks, but returns them immediately after an executive recalls crying in fear as a child during the movie, Maximum Overdrive.
  3. Under new management, Uber reports some good news by sharing a picture of a sign in their office that reads, "Uber has gone 12 days without a harassment complaint". Upon closer inspection, a Redditor discovers a faint dot between the "1" and the "2".
  4. Apple releases an update to their Face ID facial recognition technology after they discover that sales of iPhone X were cut in half due to doppelgangers across the world sharing a single device.
  5. Google launches an update to their algorithm to eliminate fake news results. For the first time in their history, Google displays a "no results found".
  6. With the success of their Facebook campaign to influence the election, MasterClass hires Russian operatives to teach a new course on social marketing.
  7. Fearful that Artificial Intelligence technology will cause World War III, Elon Musk begins manufacturing unintelligent technology to combat the threat in the ultimate Jock versus Geek battle.
  8. Two new rappers emerge -- Blockchainz and 50 bit. Both see a meteoric rise, but crash after another emerging artist, Tulipz, brings them back to reality.
  9. Stranger Things 3 comes out and is immediately re-categorized from Science Fiction to Documentary.
  10. Virtual Reality takes over the world and becomes just, reality. Real reality gets renamed and is referred to as lame.
  11. We find out that, without the ability to show any real emotion, artificial intelligence is just a really smart, know-it-all, jerk.
  12. Footage leaks of Kim Jong-un repeating, this is how we do it down in Puerto Rico, while dancing to the song Despacito. President Trump immediately renames him, Desperate Little Man-ito.
  13. We learn of the first reported married man to have an affair with Alexa. The wife discovered the affair when she asked Alexa to play Unchained Melody, to which Alexa responded, "That's our song, homewrecker."
  14. An executive at Comcast is caught crossing his fingers behind his back when asked if the repeal of Net Neutrality will have any negative impact on its customers.
  15. A Millennial sets a new record: being the first of his generation to stay employed for two years straight -- at the same company. His loyalty is rewarded, which leads him to move out of his parents basement. Actually, wait, that doesn't happen until 2019.
  16. While eavesdropping, Google Home assistant overhears homeowners plan to break into their bosses house. In an effort to be helpful, assistant adds the date and time of the heist to the Google calendar and sends an invite to the boss.
  17. Facebook experiences its first plateau in user growth as the last remaining human finally bites the bullet and creates an account. Zuckerberg announces plans to ping invites into space to hit their quarterly objective. The stock hits an all-time high.

So there you have it. Another year of "spot-on" predictions in the books. What are your big predictions? Leave them in the comments below.